The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
