the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The two types of wives
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
felt that
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I feel seen
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.