the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Don’t touch that.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.