the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Hang in there buddy
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
what’s the point then??
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”