the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
You Might Also Like
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The chart results are in…
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak