Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

President The Rock Obama

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs