the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
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I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.