the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving