The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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Tier 3 meme
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.