The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
You Might Also Like
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Hey i am sexy to you now
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Worth the read.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.