@robin_991

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

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@InternetHippo

PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]

@MommaUnfiltered

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@Sickayduh

Top 3 Wiki sites:

1. Wikipedia
2. Wikileaks
3. WikiwikiwikiSlimShady

@wesjohnson8

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

@briangaar

The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops