The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

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PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]


*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?


To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.


Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick


Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.


Top 3 Wiki sites:

1. Wikipedia
2. Wikileaks
3. WikiwikiwikiSlimShady


When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.


The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops