Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me