The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.