Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Did I do this right

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis