The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
don’t we all
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
the battle rages on
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.