The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Do not levitate over flowers
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
$3 #books
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?