The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
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who’s ready for the long weeknd?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
There is no try. There is only give up.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT