The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
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[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
#oldknees
That’s no pocket rocket.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
#CatsOnTwitter
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
This pepper has seen some shit
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?