Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

Birds & Planes.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up