The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home