Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

This made me chuckle.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will