Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.