The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
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Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY