The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
relationship goals
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT