The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
huge if true: the moon
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
“what that mouth do?” complain
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping