The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut