The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Canadian owl: Eh?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
also my go-to takeaway order
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.