The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast