The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
These are so Plastic Man-core
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.