The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You Might Also Like
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
$3 #books
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”