Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?