The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.


me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot


are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out


How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?


Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.


Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.


Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.


Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”


The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired