@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

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@joshraclaw

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

@climaxximus

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

@pickupIines

are you my appendix because i don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out

@thesulk

How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?

@Tmoney68

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@MooseAllain

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

@DirtMcTurd

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired