The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Yes my dude
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
No. He’s not coming out to play