The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.