Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Goodnight 🐶

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.