Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”