The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”