Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

rebranding

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.