“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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How funny!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
S O O N
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.