The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Catercrombie & Fish
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.