The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf