The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
You Might Also Like
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?