when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
One venti cheeseburger please.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
what kind of cook setting is this??