Me: Read this tweet.
Me: Is it racist?
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Me: *deletes tweet*
The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
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“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Her: I like risk takers
Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.