The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.

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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*


“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.


Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style


Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]


Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.


The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything


On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.


*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.