Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

This took me a second..

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

ㅤ

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Eggs benadryl my favourite

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!