Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either