The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
