The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
That 👊
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Good point.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach