Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.