The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.