Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

#inspiration #foodforthought

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”