Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Meowchelangelo

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?