The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Still cracks me up
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
New mindset, who dis?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.