The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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😂 amazing answer
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
That’s commitment
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice