The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
mentally somewhere in italy
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.