The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
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My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
decorating my apartment
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
🥲
Mood.. 😂
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
This made me chuckle.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times