The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!