The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Doctors texting each other.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games