Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

the saddest jazz hands ever

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.