the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
respect
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.