the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Meow
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
