the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems