the way he checked his surroundings đ
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Good morning.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a âfor instanceâ
Cop: Sir, you canât use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Remember: If you donât post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
no!! no!!!!!!
My doctor says I shouldnât get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasnât suggested who should do it for me.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Itâs amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Mom asked me what itâs like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Iâm just a boy⌠Standing in front of a girlâŚ
Her: âMove.â
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Ninety percent of the bodyâs serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My 5yo son at a cookout, âWhere are the scrambled eggs?â
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasnât come back. Thatâs why I never started smoking. I just donât have the time.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
âOh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problemâ
[2 weeks later]
âI have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people donât have to see themâ
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way youâd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say âscrew the neighbors, imma put a lake hereâ
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!