the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*3.5 thank you very much.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.