the way he checked his surroundings 馃槶
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Her: What did you get for Valentine鈥檚 Day?
Me: Drunk!
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
can鈥檛 stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it鈥檚 just me opening a jar of pickles
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
the answer was staring at me all along
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they鈥檙e usually $12
waiter: today they鈥檙e special
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I鈥檓 driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25垄 I鈥檝e ever spent.