the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕