the way he checked his surroundings š
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Whenever Iām facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
āNever leave a paper trail,ā heād say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if theyāre ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, āYEET, YEET YEETā¦ā So yeahā¦ pretty sure Iāve peaked.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
When youāre shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we donāt notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*overheard in 6ās virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they donāt answer. whatās going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
People Complain Theyāve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like weāre all in a secret wheelchair club.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I asked a girl, āWhat is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?ā She said, āZero dollars.ā
And I said, āDeal.ā
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
SCAM ALERT ā IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled āchoice cutā or some prime tofu.
Mom, I have a runny nose I donāt need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, Iām 35
I donāt own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another birdās nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And Iāll be damned if that isnāt the best parenting hack Iāve ever heard.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE IāVE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW āBOUT YOU?
Wife: I donāt think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think Iām gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Got to my dadās house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes āand I have a guacamole ballā whatās a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider