Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

every college guy’s fridge

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

it must be school picture day

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

How did we not see this back then?

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.