the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.