the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?