the way he checked his surroundings 😭
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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
The Others (2001)
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes