Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Florida man

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.