Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.