Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

My flabber has been gasted.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’