The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
pictures of spider-man
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away