The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it